___________

chelzabellz @ 2008-07-13T17:36:00

2008-07-13T21:43:17Z

So I dated Chris for about a month.

Everything was going well and I thought we had something good, the only thing that bothered me is that he was ALL about himself. I'm the exact same way, I like to be in control and he did as well. I sucked it up and gave it a try.

Last weekend, 4th of July, he took something that someone said about a guy out of hand and blew up at me, he also went and visited two different girls the week before, one I knew about, the other I didn't. I didn't take him back and told him I wanted to take things slow. We talked and stuff throughout the week and he came over. I just didn't feel that it was going to work, I mean, I just kept replaying the night over and over in my head. He kept saying "fuck you" and calling me a "bitch." I don't think any girl should ever be treated like that, even though he was drunk, it still was very uncalled for.

I finally told him today I didn't know when I was going to be able to trust him again, if ever. He said he wanted to work on it, but I told him no. I just can't. I don't know, it's like... I don't even care. I don't know why. I care about myself a lot right now, and only about myself. I seriously sat at home last week and didn't go out at all.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I suppose I just need time for me. I need to figure out what I want in life again, again, because Jeremy and I got back together and I rushed into something so quick. I know why... I'm scared of being alone. This week proved to me, that I'm okay being alone. I'm fine with only caring about myself and when the time comes to care about someone else it will be right... Chris and I didn't feel right. It was fun... I needed fun, but it also made me realize that life isn't always about fun. There's a time and a place for that and growing up you realize how serious things really are. How serious your words and actions can actually be.

I need to find someone when I'm ready. And I'm not.

chelzabellz @ 2008-05-16T16:08:00

2008-05-16T20:16:58Z

I'm finally done with the semester. And I cannot wait for this break to actually begin.

I've been working so much and doing so much homework, I think I've gotten caught up in the moment. I feel like like I don't have much time for anything, even thinking. I was just sitting here reading Kimma's blog and thinking about how much she inspires me to be a great person. Kimma has a family, and has some of the best friends ever, aka PS4L, haha, I'm sure she has her ups and downs too, but from the outside looking in, it seems perfect. I want to lead an inspiring life and have a home of my own full of love, laughter and family. I feel as if I've lived a life of change, and absolutely no stability.

My life still isn't stable and I'm not sure if it ever will be, from learning about new issues with my mom, dealing with ups and downs with money and not feeling good enough. It's been a hard road. Over the next year, I want to attempt to create that stability, I'm not sure if it will happen or not, but I want to try my best. I'm not sure what exactly that means, but... I want to have great friends, a fabulous relationship, and be perfectly happy. I also want to make my mom a better person, but I know that's her job. I will be there for her as much as I can, but... it's hard. She's trying and that's all she can do, and I'm proud of her.

This is a bunch of rambling, but I needed somewhere to write it all out.

Seriously, life, I'm gonna kick your ass this time.

Vasovagal.

2008-02-08T05:08:40Z

so I had to go get my shots for school today I had to get a TB and a meningitis shot. so I made my mom come with me because those are big things! haha, plus I hate shots.

so I get the two shots and I started crying when she gave me the TB because she pinched some of my skin and stuck the needle in and I cried, I'll admit it. I was fine after I got them and went to make another appointment so I can get this stupid TB thing read on saturday. well, the lady calls me up to the counter and my mom goes up with me I start feeling woozy and lightheaded and I know I'm gonna pass out so I go sit down and put my head between my legs, they call the nurse and she puts an ammonia tablet under my nose and I woke up and freaked out, she then slowly walked me to the back where she sat me down and put my feet up and gave me juice and food.

seriously... I hate shots. I told the nurse that whenever I get shots I tend to feel lightheaded and pretty much pass out (it's weird because I got my HPV shot and I didn't pass out, I suppose it was because I got TWO today), the nurse then told me that I probably have Vasovagal syncope, it's where you get really anxious and panic about certain situations and pass out. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasovagal_syncope)

I'm better now, but now I'm scared to get my second HPV shot... you have to get a series of 3, I'm making Jer go with me. =)

Scammed.

2008-02-06T20:14:36Z

So... an unknown number has been calling me for the past couple days, sometimes I'll answer and sometimes I won't. When I do answer it sounds like breathing or someone driving, but then they hang up. Well today as Jeremy and I were walking out the door, my phone rings 'unknown number' shows up on my sidekick, I make him answer it and its a lady saying she needs to speak with me about a business matter. I grab the phone and she begins to tell me shes from TRS Recovery and that I bought something on Amazon Marketplace that didn't go through because my account number was wrong, she said it just needed to be verified. I thought "oh okay, yeah, I just bought all of my books from there for school.." I go to get my bank stuff and Jeremy's is really apprehensive about it so I tell the lady "I'm not comfortable giving you my bank account number over the phone..." and she says "Yes, I can understand in this day and age why you would be worried, but it's okay I'm from TRS Recovery." So I then give her my account number and she is like okay with "Nation Bank" and I said "No, Bank of America..." She said "Well, yeah, it used to be Nation Bank here in Texas." So she says a couple more things and then I get off the phone. Still being nervous about this I get off the phone and get online and type in TRS Recovery in google... I get all these pages saying how they scammed all of these people. I'm freaking out right about now so Jeremy and I call my bank and have them stop the "check" or whatever it was. I called my stepdad after and tell him what happened and he tells me to file a police report and to close out my account. Then we go to my bank and close my account out because WHO KNOWS what could happen. So now I have a new account and credit card and all of that, but seriously, I feel violated, my personal account number was taken right out of my hands by some lady. It actually really really hurt my feelings. =(

The only reason I thought it was legit was because, I did just switch banks and bought my books on my account from Suntrust before I closed that account... so it just seemed right. UGH.

I'm just glad everything is worked out.

chelzabellz @ 2007-12-24T12:29:00

2007-12-24T17:31:02Z

I actually did really good this semester.

American Lit - C
Math - C
Intro to speech comm - A
Spanish - B
Psych - A

I was really nervous about passing math, but I did it, thanks to jeremy helping me study I did it!

chelzabellz @ 2007-12-03T14:56:00

2007-12-03T19:57:41Z

Is it bad that I've already picked out an engagement ring I'd love to have?

http://www.ice.com/customer/product_detail.jsp?product=135803826

I know, it's the same as Heidi Montag's from The Hills, but I love it.

chelzabellz @ 2007-11-05T10:32:00

2007-11-05T15:33:25Z

I don't feel like myself.

In fact, I haven't for a while now.

I don't know what's wrong with me... it scares me.

chelzabellz @ 2007-10-18T17:16:00

2007-10-18T21:25:55Z

So a woman just called to talk to my boss, who is a lawyer, in case you didn't know, I work at a law firm.

She called and wanted to speak with Vic. She said it was kind of urgent, but I let her know I could only leave him a message. She was fine with that, but talked to me instead. She told me she had called a different lawyer and they told her they couldn't help her because they were busy. Which is unreal, the secretary wouldn't even let her speak with anyone. She asked if I thought maybe they were helping out her office, she called because of an employment issue with her company. She then proceeded to tell me that she felt like everyone was staring at her and knew she had done something against them when she left the office, she said she was worried. She kept talking to me and told me that her husband had passed away and this company let her work for them because her husband used to work there and now that he had passed away she kind of took his spot per say. She then told me that she has had someone close to her die almost every year since 1997. I almost started to cry because she almost did... I could hear it in her voice. She just kept saying how worried she was that she wasn't going to have enough money because this company kept playing games with her and were eventually going to fire her. I just told her to not let anyone in her office affect how she felt about the situation. If she felt like she needed a lawyer, then so be it and that's that and if they were staring at her so what, she's doing the right thing by getting legal advice.

I don't know why I'm typing this, but it just makes me look at people in a different way. Between my job here and at HomeInstead when I would talk to my co-worker, Anne, about everything that was going on at home, I've met some amazing people. Anne quit the other day... she was telling me that she owns a construction company, basically re-doing houses and she didn't have time for it anymore, she said she missed doing it and that she wanted to go back to it, so I suppose that's what she did. I don't know, but I know I'm gonna miss her. She was seriously like a second mother to me, she gave me advice and even one time said she saw a lot of herself in me, which is awesome because she's such a strong woman. I really want to be like her when I get out of college, she is/was an amazing friend to me. I will miss her dearly. It was nice to have someone older to talk to. I feel as if God put's everyone in your life for a certain reason.

Jeremy and I are talking again.. and it's amazing. He makes me feel like someone, if that makes any sense.

chelzabellz @ 2007-10-14T23:37:00

2007-10-15T03:40:23Z

I actually almost started crying on my birthday when my mom, sister and I started talking about my dad and my grandparents on my birthday. Why doesn't he love me anymore? How can he just disown his two daughters, we are a PART of him, it seriously blows my mind everytime I think about it. I don't get it. I just always think to myself... HE is the one missing out. My mom's exboyfriend, Richie was talking to me about him as well the other night when we went to dinner. He was like he's missing out on your life, he won't see you get married and won't see your children... "he doesn't deserve to" is what stuck out in my head. HE DOESN'T DESERVE IT.

chelzabellz @ 2007-08-29T08:20:00

2007-08-29T12:24:12Z

The past couple days have been hard for me to get out of bed, but today especially. I feel sick to my stomach and I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep. I have two classes today and I need to go talk to my financial aid advisor. These things need to be done, but I don't even feel like they matter. Why am I wasting my time? That's how I feel about it. I feel like I'm not doing anything right. =/

Another thing, I don't even want to straighten my hair or put make up on. And everyone knows, that's not me, I care about my appearance, a lot. I feel so sick it's not even funny.

I just want someone to lean on and talk to about all of this, but I really don't have that significant other anymore. It's been a year since Jer and I have been broken up.

I just want to cry.

chelzabellz @ 2007-08-22T17:18:00

2007-08-22T21:24:25Z

Seriously... life throws the craziest things at me sometimes.

Last night I was checking to see which room I needed to be in for my Comm class this morning I go to check and ALL of my classes have been dropped. Not one, but ALL. So I start freaking out being pissed off, which leads to crying, like always. I know why they were dropped was because I hadn't paid for them, but I applied for financial aid and my financial aid advisor told me everything would be fine by the time classes started. Wrong.

So I talk to Tay who calmed me down tons and we chatted and then she realized her classes had been dropped too. What luck we have.

This morning I woke up at a dreaded 7Am only to go to NOVA and talk to my financial aid advisor just so she could tell me "someone messed up." GREAT! Then I asked her if I could be re-enrolled in my classes since this wasn't my fault. She then told me that I had to go talk to each teacher so they could put me back into their class. I went and did that for 3 hours. Every teacher seemed cool with it except my MTH152 teacher, I'm a bit worried, but I'm sure everything will work out. If all else fails, I'll just take it online. So all you math nerds, be ready to help me with all of my math work. (=

I have fabulous friends might I add.

I think I'm doing better. I keep getting random headaches though. I still want to check in to getting a counselor, just so I can have someone to talk to.

I miss love, a lot. I just finished reading my friends page and Sarah's entry made me miss having someone. =/ I'll be okay. The time just isn't right for me.

chelzabellz @ 2007-08-19T12:44:00

2007-08-19T16:49:14Z

I haven't felt like this ever, I don't think... maybe when my parents first got divorced, but I don't really remember this feeling exactly.

Something feels drained from me, I feel out of my body. I don't feel like myself. I don't know how to handle this feeling, it makes me confused and thoughout all of last week, I kept forgetting small things like if I sent out my bills and if I did that minor thing at work that needed to be done, or if I had told someone a story that I wanted them to hear. I kept trying to remember, but couldn't. It wasn't me, that's for sure, because I remember everything. I don't know what was wrong with me. I think all the things with my mom had finally gotten to me. I was drained.... I wasn't myself. I ignored a lot of people and didn't talk to many people, I'm sorry for that.

I think I'm doing better, but something is still missing... I think I may need a counselor. I'm not ashamed to say that because everyone needs someone to talk to, even if it is a therapist/counselor. I've been through so much lately and this whole summer that I am just numb. This summer, I finally got over Jeremy and all of this stuff with my mom happened. It's a lot to handle. I know I'll be fine, because I'm strong, but this time something feels really different. =/

Has anyone else ever felt this way?

chelzabellz @ 2007-08-05T21:38:00

2007-08-06T01:45:37Z

my mom went into the hospital on Friday. I was in Philly at Warped Tour. The only reason I went was because she was supposed to go in on Saturday and I was going to go with her. I felt horrible.

I ended up getting home at 3am. My mom called me at 9am and told me she was going into surgery in 10 minutes so they could fix her kidney stones. I was seriously freaking out. I woke my sister up and we went to the hospital. We sat and waited for her to come out of surgery. I hate seeing my mom like that, I wanted to cry so bad, but I held back to be strong for my baby sister. I didn't want her to see me cry. I need to be strong and show her how she should be. My mom was in a lot of pain, we stayed at the hospital ALL day and made sure she was kept company.

She came home this morning and I've been running around doing everything (I paid rent and got her perscriptions). I went to lunch with Brian, then went to get my car, took my sister to the movies and went to walmart to get tylenol. I'm so tired now. I have so much to worry about...

chelzabellz @ 2007-08-01T10:03:00

2007-08-01T14:15:15Z

I'm not sure what made me want to write this entry, but I just know I need to write all of this down somewhere.

I think I had a dream where I wasn't able to fall in love with anyone. Which is pretty much how I feel right now, in my life. I really miss being in love and having somewhere there for me. I miss having someone to play with and having someone to talk to about anything and everything. But... I dated Noah and couldn't get myself or have myself feel that way about him. It's like something wouldn't let me. I feel like I'll end up alone because I tend to push people away from me when they get too close. I think I'm just scared of being in love again. It's just so weird because I miss it, but don't want it to happen? If that makes any sense at all.

I know what I want, I want someone who will:
+ laugh with me about everything, even about stupid small things.
+ kiss my forehead.
+ hold my hand.
+ make me smile a lot.
+ love my momma and my sister.
+ surprise me.
+ drink starbucks with me.
+ tell me I'm beautiful everyday.
+ go to the pet store with me so we can look at puppies and kitties. (haha)
+ dance with me anywhere and everywhere.
+ go to shows with me sometimes.
+ love whatever I do.
+ watch the street signals change with me, yes, like in The Notebook. =)
+ teach me new things.
+ be there for me, even if I freak out on them (I tend to do that sometimes).
+ take me to places I've never been.
+ be completely in love with me.

That's probably a lot to ask for, or to want in a guy, but I know what I want. I'm tired of being lonely. =(

chelzabellz @ 2007-07-18T23:06:00

2007-07-19T03:19:55Z

I need to start writing in here more, to add on to the entry I just posted...

I feel as though I'm growing up, which is good. I've never actually felt like I'm growing up.

I've been really lonely today and I'm not sure why, I missed Jeremy for a few minutes and even shed a few tears, but quickly moved on from that. He's happy with Rachel and I'm happy that he's happy. I'm also glad that her and I got to chat a little bit at the show on Saturday. I'm glad I can be that way with her. I felt as though Jeremy thought it was a bit awkward, but he called the next day and told me it was nice to see me, which was I wasn't expecting at all. It was nice of him to do that. =)

I've made a lot of new friends the past couple weeks, which is amazing. I love meeting new people and hearing about them. Upper class trash also stayed with me last week for 2 days, which was awesome, they are amazing people. J.M. is leaving the band, which sucks because HE was the one that I met first and have been friends with the past couple years we've been friends. I'm sure they'll all be okay, but it will just be different without J.M. there. I miss having those boys here, they are so much fun.

I've decided to just go with the flow on everything and see where it takes me, I'm enjoying it. I'm working a ton now, I ended up getting another job so I can pay for bills. So I'm working from 8:30-5:30 M-F. I took the next 2 weeks off so I can have some time for me since I've been doing nothing but working the whole summer.

I really want to go to the beach during the 2 weeks that I'm off so if anyone is down, let me know, maybe we can do a day trip or a weekend?

chelzabellz @ 2007-07-18T23:00:00

2007-07-19T03:01:58Z

My mom tries to tell me what to do even though I'm almost 20. She says I'm "burning the candle at both ends" because I go to shows... hm.

I still go to work and do what needs to be done. It's not like I'm out partying everynight like most 20 yr olds are.

Thanks Mom, but I know.

chelzabellz @ 2007-06-26T17:20:00

2007-06-26T21:23:24Z

I think I was just "high" off of cold medicine. I took 2 Tylenol Sinus & a Cold Eeze thingy. That was the worst feeling in the world. I think I'm okay now. I need food, I'm starving!

chelzabellz @ 2007-06-21T16:40:00

2007-06-21T20:55:52Z

The past couple weeks/MONTH have/HAS been crazy.

Noah and I broke up of course. It just wasn't meant to be. The relationship wasn't FOR me. I really thought I was ready for a relationship, but I wasn't. I still do not know myself, and I'm still getting there slowly. I think that's good for me. It's what needs to be done. I need to establish myself, I need to know exactly what I want and who I am before I start to care about somebody else again. Yes, part of the reason I broke up with Noah was because I missed Jeremy, but I wasn't going to sit there and lie to him about missing Jer. Jeremy was a huge part of my life for 2 yrs and not to miss him wouldn't be right, per say. Yes, it took me however many months to realize I really DO/DID miss him, but you never know what you miss until its gone. It hadn't been gone, that was the thing, Jeremy and I were still talking a lot, but then we stopped and I got scared. I ran, yes, I ran away from Noah and I's relationship, but I wasn't in love with him and I wanted to be honest, so I was.

Recently, Lauren and Kenny broke up. So that means we're both single. We both are heartbroken and don't know how to handle it. We're teaching each other how to be strong and I love that. I love that Lauren and I have hung out and talked about life/relationships the past week. We've both needed to talk about it, to make each other strong again. We're getting there. It's weird to both of us because WE were the ones who were dating people and Tay & Kim weren't. It's so foreign to us, but we're making it through. It's what we need. Time to learn about ourselves. I just hope Lauren sticks to her guns this time.

I have been making amazing friends lately. People who know how to have conversation. My friend Derek and I have been talking lately. We talk about life and relationships mainly and what we want out of life. I enjoy that.

Also, I don't know if I wrote about Andy in here, I think I did. But, him and I have started talking again. I didn't ever think he would talk to me again. I kind of ran from him too, but I explained myself to him and he understood. I wish it was that way with Noah, but I don't think it will ever be. =/ Andy is an awesome person, who has a good heart and always cheers me up. (=

Enough of that.

MY MOM HAS A HOT DATE TONIGHT! She's so cute, she's nervous and I love it. I love her so very much.

I hope everyone is doing well.

I seriously need to start writing in here more.

chelzabellz @ 2007-06-20T16:15:00

2007-06-20T20:15:51Z

I was watching this show yesterday called 'The Mystery Of Love" and it was a bunch of stories about how people fell in love and a bunch of other things and in between each there were psychologists explaining what the word love is.

There was this one story about a woman who was a musician and she was moving to Austin, TX. She had been in love before, it was her first, and she had lost him. This was now about 10 years later that she was moving to TX. She decided to try the online dating thing, and also just to make some friends down in TX before she moved there. She met one guy on there and they met up when she arrived in TX and hit it off right away. They ended up getting married. (=

What I'm trying to get to is what she said, it was something along the lines of this: You build a mold for the love of your life to fit in. You try and put/force many people into it, but you know the love of your life has arrived when they just lay right into the mold.

chelzabellz @ 2007-05-23T17:17:00

2007-05-23T21:18:16Z

I am so confused about what I want right now.

I tried to talk to Noah about it, but I think he's pissed at me because I told him things were moving way too fast and my heart and my head are not at the same pace. =/

chelzabellz @ 2007-05-16T17:28:00

2007-05-16T21:29:15Z

Final grades.

Spanish 201 - B
Advanced College Composition - B
Psychology 201 - C
History 112 - B

heck yes, I freakin rule at life!

chelzabellz @ 2007-05-07T11:28:00

2007-05-07T15:28:56Z

"sometimes I question this statement. most of my friends are golden, but some... really not worth my time. I'd rather not have friends who pick & choose when they want to be kind."

chelzabellz @ 2007-05-02T16:53:00

2007-05-02T20:59:59Z

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss....was with noah.
2. I am listening to..... nothing, I'm at work.
3. I talk.....about random thing.
4. I love.....Love.
5. My friends... are amazing.
6. My first real kiss... hahaha, Josh Peter.
7. The number seven is missing because...... I ate it.
8. Love... Is the most wonderful feeling in the whole world.
9. Marriage is... fun?
10. Somewhere, someone is thinking... about you!
11. I'll always... love someone.
12. I have a secret crush... on noah. hahhaha. it's not a secret now!
13. The last time I cried was because... i missed someone.
14. My cell phone.. is a Sidekick 3.
15. When I wake up in the morning... I go pee.
16. Before I go to bed I....brush my teeth.
17. Right now I am thinking about... how I want it to be tomorrow.
18. Babies are... cute!
19. I get on Myspace... because that's how I roll.
20. Today I... Had class, bought a new dress, went to lunch with my momma.
21. Tonight I will... be JJ's model. (=
22. Tomorrow I will be... with Noah!
23. I really want... Taylor Mae to come home soon, and Kimma!
24. I tag..... You!

So not too much has been going on lately. Noah is finally home for a bit from tour, so that rules. Tomorrow we are seeing Anberlin and Friday we are seeing Melee. (=

Monday I got to have dinner with Amsa, Katy and Will Cook. It was so much fun. We went to Chipotle. Then we went back to Amsa's and watched TV. Will got mad about Chicken Little and spelled out the word bitch and WHISPERED it too. It was the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life. Then we went to go get Sweet Tea from McDonalds because that's the best thing to do. (=

Katy and I also talked about moving in together when she comes up here from FL, which will be amazing! I can't wait to move out.

Uuuh. I don't know what else.

I love you!

chelzabellz @ 2007-04-17T15:47:00

2007-04-17T19:48:05Z

4-16-07

"This is a tragedy in American history. So for today, forget any and all of your college affliations. For today, we are all Hokies" -CNN

I'm praying for you, VA Tech.

chelzabellz @ 2007-04-15T10:32:00

2007-04-15T14:33:59Z

I hate the smell of sausage cooking. ugh, it makes me sick.

oh, &&I have a boyfriend. <3

Philly today to see The Early November's last show ever, I might just cry.